My Wrestling Match with God - Now, You Tell Yours

Before anyone asks, given the title, no - I am not about to wrestle my pastor in this picture of my baptism.

But this is a photograph of a pivotal moment in my life. It is recent enough that I can disctinctly remember my thought processes leading up to it, and add that to God's intrusions into my own thoughts shortly thereafter.

You see, I believe we all wrestle with God; we wrestle with how much we submit to him all the time, because we are all but sinful creatures. However, I think He has given us the ultimate example in His Word on how this wrestling match turns out, as long as we are willing to acknowledge our final submission to Him. First, we can go to the book of Genesis.

" ²² The same night he arose and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ He took them and sent them across the stream, and everything else that he had. ²⁴ And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. ²⁵ When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. ²⁶ Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” ²⁷ And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” ²⁸ Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” ²⁹ Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. ³⁰ So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.”

------Genesis 32:23-30, ESV

So here I am, pictured at yet another metaphorical crossing at the ford of the Jabbok River. My pastor, Chris, is about to baptize me, despite me having been a believer since the age of 12. Little did I know that after that day, when I took the first step to becoming a member of a Baptist church, that God would show up on this side of the river, take a hold of little old me - and as human nature would dictate, I wrestled with Him, telling Him that I was already serving, putting out writing in His name, helping people when and where I could, especially in the form of some kind of teaching of His Word, or discussion of His Word at a minimum. I'd even given my testimony earlier that same year in my first year as a School Resource Officer, and hoped to make a difference that way.

But God was pulling on me, telling me He was not finished with me yet. I know, this seems like the opposite of Jacob's experience at first. But wait; wasn't Jacob trying to get to the other side? It was the mysterious divine figure in his path that decided, 'not so fast.' And so it began... as our pastor, and associate pastor, and others in the church got to know me better, opportunities also arose where I became more and more familiar with God's Word, and His calling on my heart to serve in a ministerial capacity. I tried to resist. I tried to convince myself, 'you already discipled your son, Jason; you have shared the Gospel message with young people and will have plenty more opportunities in your new position as SRO.'

Time played a factor. Age played a factor. I wrestled with these thoughts for months of worship services and Wednesday night men's study sessions with our associate pastor. And then, I literally and figuratively received the proverbial touch to the hip joint!

I was hiking with my wife one day near Bridal Veil Falls, and suddenly my hip joint flared up in so much pain, I just knew the muscles surrounding my right hip were on fire. My wife had to slow way down, and I even had to sit down before we could finish the hike. And every day after that, my hip pain on my right side (my gun side in law enforcement, if you will) continued to get worse, and worse. After around a year and a half, it affected me so much at work, that I had to consider whether or not I would have to retire from my career in law enforcement early. It affected my work. I did eventually learn that I had mutliple bone cysts that caused the pain in my actual joint, not just muscle. I prayed and I prayed... and God answered!

It was like a 'Duh' moment He used to clang a pot over my head. I had been reading the Bible steadily, and just finished my second time reading it all the way through from cover to cover, and it hit me one Monday morning at work. 'Serve in the ministry; go to seminary...you know My teachings; teach! Help others!,' I could almost hear Him telling me. I wrestled with the mere thought, and even pondered, 'but where would I serve,' and 'what should I do?' And then my mind raced back to the memory of a certain chaplain in college, who had ministered to me in the most painful loss in my life - when my Granny died. I remembered what a lasting impression his handling of me in that vulnerable time made, and I knew then - that is what I can do. And so I entered seminary for a Masters in Divinity, and am about to soon complete my studies. My pastor and my church ordained me not only to serve as a servant leader in my church, but as a minister in chaplaincy.

Since this decision, other events have taken place; some for the betterment of my continued career in law enforcement - and some, for the continued strengthening in my resolve to serve in chaplaincy. I have begun volunteering as a chaplain. It is a slow process, but after hip surgery and a resurgence in my passion to help young people as well, my writing has still served me well in both seminary and teaching young people. Thanks to surgery, I still serve as SRO at a middle school. I am still wrestling, though. I believe God expects it; He teaches us in many ways about perseverance. In the book of Matthew, he tells us that the ones who endure to the end will be saved!

“⁹ “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake. ¹⁰ And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. ¹¹ And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. ¹² And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. ¹³ But the one who endures to the end will be saved. ¹⁴ And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

-------Matthew 24:13, ESV

He also teaches us something of perseverance and passion in proclaiming His Word. Apostle Paul set the ultimate example here, as he writes the church at Philippi:

¹² I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, ¹³ so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. ¹⁴ And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.

¹⁵ Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. ¹⁶ The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. ¹⁷ The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. ¹⁸ What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.

------Philippians 1:12-18, ESV

I pray that I continue to persevere as Paul did, proclaiming Christ's message, despite what this world says. I still struggle; I am only human. I also wrestle with my own nature of getting angry at things in the world of which I have no control. I constantly pray for strength in overcoming this challenge as well. But despite what people living for the world instead of for Christ say, I wish to stand firm in my faith, master that forestalling technique in my wrestling, and hold out - until God tells me I am through.

And so now you know just some of the story of my wrestling with God. Now, by all means, I would love to hear yours. Comment here - or find me on social media. Tell someone...tell everyone. In the end, that is the calling on all of our lives.

God bless,

JEF